MY NIGHTMARE PUT INTO WORDS……the story from the beginning…
Home for Christmas 2006. We had just announced to the world through our Christmas card that we were expecting. I was into the second trimester, and we had heard the heartbeat on 2 separate occasions. I had completely popped and was starting to fit well into maternity clothes. I look pregnant in all the Christmas pictures. Baby #4 was coming. He was due June 25th, but probably would have been induced around the 18th, one day after my 30th birthday. I even thought I was beginning to feel movement…..
I had one night where I cramped a bit when we were by my sister’s house in IN, but I really didn’t think much of it. There was no bleeding, and it was short-lived.
We left IN for home Sat., Dec. 30th. Little did I know what nightmare lay ahead of me. Fargo, ND. We stopped in the middle of the night for gas. I got out to use the bathroom only to find that I started bleeding…a lot. I started crying to the point of sobs. I walked out of the gas station and frantically told Evan I was bleeding badly. He rushed to the local ER, (which was NOT easy to find) where I was the only patient. They couldn’t find a heartbeat with the dopplar – 2 nurses tried for a long time, so they ordered an ultra sound. The technician said before she started that she couldn’t tell us anything and had to wait for the doctor. In my heart, I knew at that point. I asked to see the screen. She made the comment, “Are you sure you’re okay with this?” At that point, I really knew, but hadn’t accepted it. The baby wasn’t moving.
The doctor told us the horrendous news, which finalized our thoughts. “The u/s didn’t look good.”
We decided to keep pressing on towards home. Who knew how many hours still lie ahead….10, 12, probably more. Morning was just around the corner at this point. The roads were bad, but we plugged along. It was the hardest drive I’ve ever had in my life, and hope I never have to repeat anything even remotely like it. We sobbed, cried and had so many questions. The good thing was, it gave us time to process and talk.
Stopping in Jamestown, ND b/c the roads were drifted and icy, we ate breakfast at Perkins. Deciding to press on, despite the horrible roads, the sun was shining.
We made it home around 5pm. God has answered my prayers to please, at least let everything happen at home.
Josiah was born at 2:30 am on Jan. 1, 2007. He had 10 fingers and beautiful eyes. He was all there, formed by his creator in my womb. He was b/t 2-3 inches long. We just held him and cried. Evan was my rock through the whole thing. He never left my side and was literally my “Jesus with skin on” that night. His arms were God’s arms wrapped around me. His hand rubbed my back through the physical pain of the labor I had to bear through it all. He cried with me and held me.
We wrapped Josiah up, not exactly sure what we were going to do with him; but knowing there was no way we could just “flush the sack” like the ER doctor said, in as kind of way as possible. Josiah was not a sack. He was all baby, and a life given to us for 15 weeks. Yes, he had died at 11 weeks, but we had him for 15.
Going back to bed, the grieving began. I wept for hours. The tears never ended. It hurt. I wondered where God was, only to realize he was using Evan to be his arms. Joel came to our bed and fell right to sleep. That was a comforting moment. I have 1 son with me yet.
I didn’t get out of bed much the next day. Evan was the rock the kids needed. He had strength that could only have been from God. And yet, I saw him grieve. We cried together.
We had one final moment with Josiah’s body. We unwrapped him, thanked the Lord for him, and poured over him one last time. We even showed his little body to Myah and Joel, and I’m so glad we did. We looked at every little at every little body part one last time just amazed at God’s handiwork. We said goodbye.
Not exactly sure what to do with his body, we had prayed for guidance. We didn’t have peace about burying him here as we just aren’t sure we’ll always live in Hardin. I couldn’t stand the thought of leaving him behind.
Taking the advice of a good friend, we called the local funeral home. Evan got the right person on the phone (another answer to prayer) who had been through a miscarriage 20 years earlier. He was so understanding and said they would do a cremation for a minimal fee. This would allow us to put any ashes into Josiah’s box and keep his memory with us wherever we go.
Josiah, our second son, our fourth child is in heaven. He will always hold that slot. But he has the privilege of being the first one to meet Jesus face to face. Oh how I long for that day myself.
Each day gets a tiny bit easier. I still cry, but am slowly beginning to function again. I made my bed today, only to crawl back in an hour later…. I finally unpacked the suitcases from our trip. I helped Evan with the kitchen duty and picking up a bit, but now I’m back in bed. Baby steps, one at a time.
The love people have poured out is amazing. Flowers at the door, meals brought in and delivered. Every ounce of it means the world to me. We didn’t lose a fetus. We lost a child. Knowing that other people understand that and realize that is extremely important.
I love my son more than words can say. A piece of my heart will always be missing now. I will heal physically and Lord willing, I’ll even bear more children, but I will never again listen to a woman tell of her miscarriage without pain and probably tears. Nor will I neglect to give her a hug knowing the pain she has endured.
My prayer is that no one I know will ever have to experience this, but if this pain comes your way, embrace it. Hold onto the preciousness of it. Celebrate the life that God blessed you with, even if it was for a short time.
I’m going to go hug my other children now and praise the Lord for using us to be His vessel to bring one more soul into the kingdom of heaven.
I look forward to meeting you face to face, Josiah. There is a special place in my heart that is only for you. Thank you for being my son. I love you more than words could ever express and miss you dearly. I know you’re in good hands though…………
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This was written January 3, 2007.
